Just Another Guy

Random ramblings of an eternal Allahabadi romantic….

Allahabad does not countenance closure. It continues like the mighty Ganges and acquires a greater form even after disappearing into enormous Bay of Bengal. All the ruggedness and travails do not deter the mighty river from undertaking the journey. Same is true for love that blooms in this city. It refuses closure. It seeks suffering in hope that the beloved would return someday with the elixir of affection. 

People change. This is not an astounding novelty. Yet the heart wishes the beloved to act otherwise. Pain of separation refuses to abate. Can separation occur without union? What really constitutes union of two lovers? Is it induced by recurring physical proximity or by a spark generated at the first instance? The latter often ensues a painful end but is a beautiful feeling to cherish. You just have to close your eyes to feel the presence of your beloved. The other person becomes a part of you whom you can never extricate from your existence. It is a beautiful dependence. Sweet pain of being chained is cherishable. It is the most comfortable burden of the universe that a person seldom gets an opportunity to carry. It provides you a sense of exclusivity. 

An aura of uniqueness augments your persona. There is no expectation except a subtle acknowledgement of your presence in your beloved’s life. An unspoken assurance of togetherness. There is a continuous urge to be along with the other person, at least emotionally. You wish to see the world in those eyes. Rest in them. Take refuge in them. Whatever you do is not a duty but a reaction of being what you are. Yes, it is the embrace of love that you experience without even touching her. A comfort of soul that you feel would never end.

Alas! Life is indeed not a bed roses. In fact, it is not even a leveled bitumen road. The crests and troughs wither you from inside. The one who endowed you with the sense of exclusivity alienates you for no perceptible reason. More than being with other person it is the search for that reason of alienation that vanquishes you. Ruthlessness of non-responsiveness buries you deeper within your soul. A crack in the heart is more painful than its complete shattering. You know that she is there, yet you cannot approach her. Unable to discern the cause of such callous ignorance, you seek her return silently. You cry when Mehndi Hasan croons Ranjish hi sahi….

All the upheavals and entreaties are reduced to naught when you are declared ‘just another guy’ confined in the contours of body and basal desires. All the self-righteousness and transcendence seem like a sham. Clouds of self-doubt and self-hatred engulf you. Vision is blurred. All this happens because you do not belong to a particular stratum. Because you were not at the right place at right time. Because you were not that person who could sit besides her whole day long to ensure his presence. Because your abstract feelings were just commodities of intellectual recreation that might be easily replaced by the AI system as shown in movie “Her.”

It was your fault that you thought yourself above the stature of Just Another Guy. There is no replacement of body and status in this world. Your carnal reactions will relegate you to being a reprobate. However the proximal ones shall enjoy the benefits of morality and preservation of image. They shall become source of strength, while you the Just Another Guy would be blamed even for momentary outbursts. 

You are weak because you do not assert. Make mistakes because that might give her an excuse to be with you. She will not leave you for committing mistakes. Yes, she cannot be with you if you are too perfect. Perfection stifles her. You will believe even this until you realise that whatever you may do she will not return. She has made a decision that suits her.

You shall never be the One. There shall be good wishes and a sense of sorry but not a material validation in your favour. After all, you are Just Another Guy!

Yet, the Allahabad in you will never let you forget her and stop loving her. It shall go on like the cold winter breeze. Forever. Nothing could match her eyes, her voice, her gait, her salutation, her smile. She might fall head over heels for someone, but you shall keep waiting for her because Allahabad loves once and refuses to move on. So much so that River Saraswati chose invisibility to remain here forever. Though unseen, she forms an inseparable part of the trinity of pure aquine confluence.

I, the Just Another Guy, shall also exist invisibily in confluence with my love for you. For I might shed my body but my emotions shall live like Allahabad does every day in its ubiquity within and without. 

I might not be perfect but I was not sinisterly wrong! There is a beauty in not moving on. You gravitate towards greater truths. As Rumi said, “You have to keep breaking your heart till it opens.” The journey continues unabated. This journey shall continue in its own stead. My presence in your life will resonate in my absence. I am that unread book in your shelf that shall always beckon you with my intriguing content. I know one day you will surely flip my pages, read me, laugh with me, cry with me, embrace me… You will love me and live with me. Your somnolence will be replaced by vivacity of Allahabad and you will embrace me. I will live only till then. I will become immortal after that. 

– Ashant